


Roaming like a phantom (Do you even remember ?)

by ScorpionMauve



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Dissociation, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Love, Swearing, breakdowns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 11:41:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21015194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScorpionMauve/pseuds/ScorpionMauve
Summary: Changbin loves his members deeply, but sometimes, it’s just not reciprocal...





	Roaming like a phantom (Do you even remember ?)

Changbin thought of the other members as his family. Just wondering what his life would be if they weren’t in it made his heart contract painfully. They were so dear to him, so precious.

Despite being fourth oldest of the group, Changbin liked to act silly with the younger members. He believed it was stupid to stop enjoying things once you grew up. His philosophy was to have fun with what came everyday and to work hard.

He felt so glad to have joined the group. Stray Kids was more than just work. He considered it his dream, his soulmates, his entire life. If not for the members, he probably wouldn’t be there anymore.

It was everything he ever wanted.

But then again, was he everything they ever wanted ? Did they think as highly of him than he did of them ? 

The insecurity came often, showing its ugly head and prodding around. It pulled at his veins, tied his intestines, tugged on his nerves and settled in his lungs. It hurt him, so badly that he sometimes disappeared for an entire day, leaving the dorm or the company building, wandering around the busy city mindlessly.

Drifting like a lost soul above the endless ocean, stranded so far away from everyone else, feeling so alone despite the thousands of people around him. A phantom in a living town. He always came back in the end, though.

And when he did, he was met with tight hugs and soft words and teary eyes. They were worried. They were _ worried _ about him. They looked for _ him. _ They cared for him, even though his mind made him doubt it.

He knew they loved him. But he couldn’t help it, the anxiety, the fear of them suddenly leaving him. The fear, paralysing terror that one day, he’d come back from his dissociating walk and they wouldn’t be there. Or that they would just be like : “Oh, you had left ?”. But they never had. At least not yet.

For now, they held onto him tightly, asking why he hadn’t came to them, talked to them, even something as small as warning them. Why did he ever let it get that bad ? They loved him, they would remind him of it if he only ever so much as hinted a doubt.

The hours following his arrival, after one of those days, would always be spent hugged tightly, buried under two or more of his members. They would reassure him, cry a little -or a lot- make him drink a bit, eat a bit, fill up on love and affection.

Days like that weren’t that rare. The first time it happened, Chan had freaked out completely. He had gone absolutely ballistic, thinking Changbin had gotten kidnapped. He screamed at him when he entered the dorm again, so scared that his whole body shook. He stopped once he registered the tears covering the younger boy’s cheeks. 

Yeah, the yelling had done nothing to remind Changbin of love. It had made him even more terrified of the abandonment, made him think that he was nothing but a burden to the leader.

The last time he went MIA was actually not too long ago, about a week or so. It had occurred because of a long tiring day. He hadn’t slept the previous night so his exhausted body didn’t follow his command. He messed up the choreography again and again, making the group stay way later than planned. No one talked to him on the way back to the dorm. He knew they were awake though. They were mad at him.

That night took him into a dark, agitated dream, in which he found himself drowning in a profound sea of nothingness, the members standing by. Watching him. Unmoving. Leaving him to die there without caring. Or no, even worse than leaving him, they stayed there to follow his descent, as if the memory wouldn’t hurt them one bit.

When he woke up covered in sweat, he couldn’t think past that. Remembering Changbin drowning wouldn’t do anything to them. They were bored by the scene. They did not care one bit. Not able to rationalize, physically unable to go wake them up to talk, he slipped on a hoodie and left. 

He walked to the river, staring blankly at the water until the sun rose up, hours later. He walked alongside it until it was up, high in the sky, and walked even more watching its descent. By noon, he didn’t have any water left in him for him to cry. He missed them. But they didn’t miss him.

Actually, they did. They looked for him everywhere, in the dorm, at the JYP building, calling his parents, some friends, anything they could think of. But nobody had seen their friend. Nobody had seen their brother. 

When night came again, they felt hopeless. They couldn’t do anything but wait for him to come back. He would, right ? He always did.

He didn’t.

Well, not exactly, as it was Minho who brought him back to the dorm. He had found him stumbling when he went to buy something for them to eat, no one strong enough to cook. Let it be said, the food was quickly forgotten. 

Changbin didn’t have to explain. They all knew what had happened. They all knew why it had happened. It had been their fault. That night, they all slept together, piled up in the living room in a mess of limbs, blankets, pillows.

Changbin loved his members, his friends, his brothers so deeply. And they loved him back, even if sometimes they hurt him. But sometimes he hurt them too, so it was even. Was it ? He wasn’t sure. But he was definitely sure that he loved them. He did.

If they loved him, all of them, then why…

* * *

“Seungmin, please. I love you.

-No. You can’t keep doing that every time. 

-I thought you loved me ! How can you do that to me ?

-Changbin, you can’t keep “I love you”-ing yourself out of doing laundry.

-It worked on Felix !

-Felix is weak for you, everyone knows that.

-And Jisung !

-Well, that’s because he’s just dumb. Now go do the goddamn laundry, because I’m surely not doing it for you.”

He pushed the full basket into Changbin’s hands with strength and turned on his heels. The other fell to his knees and let out a heartbreaking cry.

“Seungmiiin !”

The younger one rolled his eyes but a small fond smile rested on his lips.


End file.
